Sunday, May 22, 2016
Though I must say I have a little bit of a checkered past with confidence. In those down times of so blue I have contemplated suicide, it's a kind of weird lack of courage that kind of keeps me from going ahead. I've never really wanted to hurt myself on purpose. I just want a painful existence to stop being painful. I guess you could see there's a bit of a personality war that sometimes goes on inside my head.
The determined factions want control, but the uncertain and fearful people have the reigns. That's when I get out the pad and paper and write a Pro/Con list. Each part of me gets a turn to put down the things they want to do and what they want to avoid. Everything gets on the list. At the end of the exercise, all parties have a really clear idea where the majority wants to go.
Perhaps a dozen Cons may only equal one Pro. Like feeling a little embarrassed wouldn't equal potential acclaim of speaking in public. Just like in negotiating among family members, I try and get every aspect as much as I can. That sense of wanting to get rid of pain, has a lot of merit. Pain serves as a temprorary lesson, if it's still happening that needs to change.
Even my hurt parts can have confidence that they will get the solution they need. Even if that solution is to wallow in self pity for a while or be angry for as long as is needed.
Sometimes my insides fall into confusion and talks break down. Then it's time to employ the "fake it til you make it" strategies. In her amazing TED talk, Amy Cuddy outlined that we can "power pose" our way to confident. Maybe it only works as a distract ourselves from focusing on the "ahhhh this is scary!" going on inside our heads. In this case, why is less important than try. Not to defy the wisdom of Yoda, but in this instance he's a bit misinformed.
Fake confidence can be bravado or just training wheels. You get to decide.
As always, kind comments encouraged.