Friday, March 28, 2014

King Midas

Last year about this time, Murry and I decided that we couldn't afford to keep our store open any longer. We had begged, borrowed and cajoled as much as we could from our friends and family.

Tuesday of this week, I had a massive bout of personal failure. I suspect that the anniversary of the business closing, along with having to fill out some biographical information for the Oregon Commission for the Blind, overwhelmed my confidence.

I'm doing better now, but it took me some time to sort out that the one year anniversary could be a big source of stress. Murry suggested I just do one thing. Concentrate on going to Curves. I love going to exercise and interact with people.

I also changed doctors this month and ended up with a very similar person. She's from a different country and has browner skin, but what irritated me about my previous doctor, irritates me about this one. This was my fear. Getting stuck with the same thing.

I'm going to stick with the new doc because I don't have any kind of bad history with her. I am going to try and express my feelings more up front. I've found, that if one expresses a troubled emotional history, doctors ignore any other thing you say. But I can talk about my "today" feelings.

My friend Jess asked me what I wanted in a doctor, I think I posted that I have no idea. I kind of do, but I am a bit afraid to ask for it. It seems pointless to ask for what isn't very likely. Though, what does it hurt to dream?

I want my doctor to see me as a person with lots of interrelated medical conditions. I want someone who cares about my emotional state as much as the physical. I want a doc that tries to deal with conditions as a whole body approach. I want appreciation for the efforts I am making. I want a real person who understands that chocolate is a valuable substance. I want reasonable doable suggestions. I can find vague generalities on my own.

I would like to talk to a nutritional expert on occasion. They must be a human who knows what it's like to be imperfect and how life is sometimes a struggle. I'm lucky I have caring people who specialize in exercise to talk to, but if I didn't, it would be nice to talk to someone like that. I wish I had a group that talked about the emotional aspects of letting go of weight on a regular basis.

If I really had everything health related in a perfect state, I wish I could do therapy in a park while taking a nice walk. I know that's pure fantasy, but I think it would be good to give my body something to do so it wouldn't just sit in a chair and fret when talking about my problems.

So these are the things that have been on my mind this week. As always, kind comments welcome!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

In the Year 2525

If you don't know the song I used as title, find it and listen. Lots of social comment in lyrical form. Interesting.

So I've had a thought and though it's different than the song implies, I felt the flavor suited my thinking best. I have a proposal of sorts to the wealthy and those who wish to deny the less fortunate any opportunity to thrive. Why play these ridiculous games?

The planet cannot continue to support this many people. Rather than  locking up and turning off their heat, why not start farming the less thans?

Jonathan Swift suggested just eating babies in his essay "A Modest Proposal." I say, why stop there? Many wealthy people have made it clear that they feel  the poor are a nuisance  So why not remove the problem? Start with prisoners. They're "bad," after all.

Then I suggest farming the homeless. Oh, first you get them off the street to fatten them up for some nice marbling. Then anyone who's ever been on welfare or government funded disability income. Grandma might not be so tasty, so feed her to the younger poor.

A committee will need to be formed to figure out who to eat and who might be too toxic. Perhaps made up of former prison guards?

Removing the weakest links will strengthen the offspring of those at the top. No more need for tax increases to pay for any entitlements. Much of that farmland that we use for cattle and corn can be turned back into natural habitat.

The privileged can make their human cattle perform a limited farming duty on the land that remains. After all, potatoes and a nice salad go well with meat.

This will take a few centuries to accomplish as there will be some who may resist. But once it's in full swing, the rest of the life on the planet will have time to recover. Then the progeny of the powerful  can reap.. or rape... the benefits of less people using up resources.

I feel my rational, suggestions serve a valid argument. Should your views, differ, state them plainly.

If you take this as a serious proposal, I think you should possibly be the first to graze the future pastures.

Kind comments welcome.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Time for letting go

Love means security and comfort to me. If that sense of security gets threatened in some manner, love seems to wither and dry out like unkempt plants.

Growing up with an erratic mother and a loving but absent father, I learned to be practical with my heart. I've watched parents put their children's needs ahead of their own and wondered what that was like. I often think, my mother neglecting me didn't seem to benefit herself. So why did she do it? What was the goal?

Looking at it in as detached a manner as I can, I came to the realization that she has an emotional trouble spot on her brain. She probably survived a similar childhood as mine and reacted a bit different from me. As a fellow human being, I can have compassion for her. As her daughter, I try and let go of the resentment I feel over being so neglected.

Almost every day, I work on letting go of the fantasy that my life could have been different. Each of the people who abandoned me to the whims of another erratic guardian, did so for reasons that had little if anything to do with me.

It's no wonder I have some difficulties  In psychological experiments with rats, random food delivery drives the poor little rodents crazy. Random houses, random rules and random levels of affection drove me into occasional bouts of madness too.

Thankfully, my rat brain has a human center of reason attached and can work out resolutions to feelings. I choose to be in the now. No one is abandoning, neglecting or moving me from my stable place. I choose okay. When I am fully comfortable with that okayness, I can choose happy, courageous or loving.

I can also choose my family by choosing my friends. Sometimes I keep someone around for too long because angry broken people are familiar, both when I look in the mirror and when I think about the past. As often as I can, I am learning to let that go. Wish them peace and say goodbye with kindness.

So how often to you examine your life for pasts and presents to let go?  If you are keeping something that doesn't feel that great, maybe you haven't gotten what you think you need from that experience. What would it be that you need and want? Have you gotten it and just haven't realized it?  Have a look and see.

Share something of your experiences and what this post made you think. Kind and gentle comments welcome.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Doctor, Doctor!

I fled my doctor's office in tears. I've come to realize that something about our discussion triggered a fight or flight response in me. I know I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I just thought I'd mostly dealt with it.

Some tell me I over share. While my drama sometimes sticks around when I express it, usually things get better when I can resolve my conflicts. Doing so publicly means there is a chance that someone else can benefit from my meltdowns.

The Oregon health plan allows you to change doctors twice in a 12 month period. We have few general practitioners in our rural county and I didn't quite know how to pick one.  I asked around, but the doctor everyone suggested wasn't taking patients. I did find someone who patiently listened to my problems and suggested two doctors for me.

Since I don't have many choices, I have decided that I will go in with this new one with my own plan and lay down the law right off the bat. She can advise and counsel  but I will decide what I will and wont do. I will be stubborn and reject any and all suggestions that I don't feel will help me.

I haven't decided if I shall disclose my emotional history. I feel it may not matter and some medical professionals use such disclosures as a kind of excuse for rejecting my point of view.

I recently told someone to play all the what ifs to a situation. Rather than sit and decide what an outcome will be, test it in your mind and figure out what to do if....  before ever going into action. Plan for the worst, make strategies then expect the best. I guess I'll take my own advice. I feel so much better now.

See, that's why I "over share." Someone might read that and take that tack in their own life.

Kind comments welcome.