Sunday, June 21, 2015

Too Much Time on My Hands

Is it any wonder I'm not insane. Yeah. Been super emotional since I started working at the caregiving place. I think it stresses me to have intimate contact with people I never meet.

Being emotional is one of my most powerful super hero skills. My villainous insides counter balance this with self critical thoughts. Well, THAT'S fucking annoying.

Murry told me he doesn't understand guilt. He means the guilt some of us feel over crying at a sad movie or not being able to handle stress. He seems to think those things are mere characteristics and unworthy of feeling anything about.

Part of me understands him. It's all in the serenity concept. I long to be at ease; accepting and serene. Happenstance had other plans for me.

Nature stuck me with sensitivities to sunlight and emotions. It also gave me a sense of compassion and joy. I also have diverse interests that help me draw conclusions from seemingly different concepts.

I'm a feeler all the way. Guilt isn't a price I have to pay to be me. It's a gift. Sure, I haven't figured out how to use it to my advantage, but it does have some value that I will eventually discover. I can't "not" feel it.

So I guess I'll figure out a way to embrace it. I know I've expressed the thought before. The book, that's it. I haven't been working on the book. I haven't had a good wallow in self pity since December. I'll get on that as soon as I finish this.

Hey, don't deny stuff. It just sneaks up and bites you on the ass. Notice it and give it its space. Give as much as it needs for as long as it needs.

I'm convinced this is a universal truth. Somehow we're meant to explore our hearts like this. Think of it as a major undertaking. Go all the way to the edge and peer over. Leap if that urge comes stronger than the fear.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

So Happy Together

Nine years ago, we decided to get married on the date 6/6/06. I heard people were maligning the date because of its resemblance to the biblical number of the beast. Since I don't have a faith and I wanted to reclaim it as a quality day, we decided it would be OUR day.

Though this plan got thrown together rather quickly, I'd been with Murry for a very long time. We were already bonded in our hearts, we just decided to add the tax benefits.

The county clerk gave us a list of people who could officiate and the only one who responded quick enough was the municipal judge for the tiny town of Powers, Oregon. It sits a few miles from Myrtle Point and is about an hour car ride from our home.

I had a bad cold that day and I didn't let that dampen my spirits. When we got into town, the judge didn't want to disturb the person who held the key to the courthouse so we went into the library next door. We told the clerk what we were doing and she suggested a quiet spot around the corner from her desk.

Murry told me that it was the science fiction section. You see we met in a SF themed chat room over the internet.

In attendance were our friends Anna, Murry's friend Sandy from work and his wife Shannon. Since this was the judge's first ceremony, his dad came along and took pictures.

My friend Anna insisted on buying us flowers. After the brief ceremony we went to diner at a little place called Jacks.

We purchased our rings from a pawn shop years ago. Though they go well together they were bought seperately and sized. Murry wore a ring that belonged to his own father that he sized himself. They're all very pretty and sparkly.

When Murry's oldest sister heard we had gotten married, she couldn't contain her joy. She ran right out and bought us gifts. As she is a Jehovah Witness, she doesn't get to shop for events very often. They don't celebrate very many things in the same way other faiths and secular people do.

She bought us a very unusual lime green throw blanket, a small gray elephant bolster pillow and an overnight bag the color of blush wine.

The juxtaposition of colors and textures reflects both the uniqueness of my marriage and that of my kind sister-in-law. We treasure them and they feature prominently in our home.

We're so happy together.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Jagged Little Pill

I spent the entire month of May trying to sort a problem that I had procrastinated on. Then I procrastinated the weekend away avoiding putting away the debris from that project. I also didn't write anything for this blog.

Watching my mother avoid responsibility made me a person who will work very hard to finish a project that has an outside deadline. I suspect one main reason I did well in school was that external deadline aspect. I didn't want to disappoint teachers.

I don't entirely understand why *I* am not that important to my life. I suppose it's not really that self critical a thing. I can handle only doing so much, I'm not as acutely aware of the edge of my personal "full" limit as I am an edge defined outside myself.

Most people are like me. Even though I do pride myself on self awareness. Things do come fairly easy once I start them.

Part of who I am comes from preparing for the worst outcome. I then use that to sooth myself with estimating the likelihood of that happening and the control I have over that terrible outcome. And I'm all about control.

This view tends to encourage procrastination and avoidance. Why start something if you envision being ridiculed for it?

Today I told someone about my procrastination and they suggested I write about that topic. Whatever works to get me started still has value.

When faced with your own avoidances, start with counting all the other things going on. If it's more than three major projects, give yourself a break. Multitasking starts breaking down past a few to do items on your list.

Second, just do some when you can. You might find that pulls you forward. If not, set it aside for a specific period of time and try again. If that doesn't work for many tries, maybe you REALLY don't want to do that project. Maybe it's time to hand it off if you can or just leave it undone.

Talk to someone else. Maybe they have an idea you hadn't thought of. I honestly despise the notion of giving yourself fake deadlines or commitments. It feels like a double self defeating thought pattern.

Some things I put off are necessary things and I do have to eventually do them. I can usually get them out with the awareness that I'll feel great once they're finished. I can remind myself how much I like the feedback from a blog post or the nice clean smell of fresh laundry.

So I finished this post. Today, it was a chore to do. Next time, I hope it will be a joy. It's okay to be half assed now and then. At least it's done.