Monday, June 30, 2014

99 Tears

I've been avoiding problems in my life. We have massive debt left over from closing our business and owe taxes and fines beyond our meager income. The pile of paperwork to sort through it all seems insurmountable.

I've been paying the state of Oregon and I have a federal tax bill due on the first. Basically my July income has been spent.

Murry has some health concerns that are prolonging his hiring doing a job he wants. He has a doctor's appointment to find out what's going on.

I'm happy for him to have an opportunity and I appreciate the frustration. Though the job promises to be long hours. Which will be strange for me. I'm used to him being around a lot.

We need to fix things around the house and tend the yard, but it's sporadically raining. I guess I should just remember that nature is not something I can change and let it go.

We could really use high speed Internet, but we can't afford it right now. We tried to get it last year when Murry was working almost full time, but the cable company flaked out. My browser I have set up to do larger text with nice colors wont load things like Facebook.

I feel so left behind by all the new fangled technology. I want a smart phone too. We checked just before he got that merchandising job, the cheapest regular phone company wanted around $60 a month for one. I know I can get one of the pay as you go connections for $45, but  I will have to buy a phone.

I am mad at myself for not posting often enough to this blog. Not everything I think about involves joy, and I forget that it's okay to share that too. I am still an optimist and I feel very little shame about having problems. I feel a little guilt. Just a little.

If I weren't a procrastinator I wouldn't be a pro at anything ;)

If you feel the urge to offer help, make it in the form of morale support. Kind comments always welcome.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


All happy happens sometimes. Mostly happy happens most of the time. With a little happy, ambivalence or neither happy nor sad and unhappy in about the same minor proportions. I'm counting content in the "mostly happy" category.

I went to two parties this weekend and before I even got there, my heart filled with the possibilities of meeting new people and getting a new perspective. I sometimes fret a little about putting too much pressure on something I haven't yet experienced. Though I do love being around people. Even if I didn't get to speak to anyone, just the chance to watch others interact would be fun.

Every time I go to gatherings it reminds me how social I am. When I wrote up my "dream day" for a goal setting exercise, I made sure it ended with a dinner party. I love diversity of conversation.

I can and will talk to strangers. "My that's a lovely shirt, " to the lady in line at the store. "Have you grown Armenian cucumbers?" to the farmers market vendor. Bold, honest, happy chat, anywhere, anytime.

Even my Murry got into the spirit. Last night he mentioned that we could fix up our yard and start having more people over to our house. Evidently, though he's a bit quieter than me, he had as good a time as I did.

Both parties had live music. One had a dance floor like great room and people swayed and whirled around in solstice celebration. Both bands flung melodic tones enlivening all who heard.

One party celebrated the 50th birthday of a friend. Since I had no such celebration for my own big 50 this year, I felt so close to the guy. His wife made deviled eggs from their own laying chickens and potato salad from ingredients she grew herself. She also made a wonderful carrot cake that surpassed any commercial confection I've had.

At the second party, people brought in pot luck foods and laid out an amazing spread of salads, dips, burritos (Murry's) and various interesting flavor combinations. I'll be dreaming about the bacon and cheese stuffed mild peppers for a long while.

I love being a sensor. Touching, tasting, seeing, hearing and smelling  new and interesting experiences raises me up. Add to that thinking about all the stories people tell. Connecting to some new friend's dream of moving to Oregon and finding it so charming. Hearing the story of a couple meeting 35 years ago and noticing how it has similar elements to meeting Murry. Telling my own view on the world. And having someone nod as they listen.

Experience + fellowship = happiness

Okay, dunno what you might comment on. If you think of something, then make it kind.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Side By Side

The ability to think fills me with such joy. It's a rare occasion when I cannot entertain or at least comfort myself with a casual stroll along the back roads of my brain. My brain sparks with a blinding brightness.

I first came across the theory of right and left brain differentiation in an art book. "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" suggested that our thinking gets in the way of rendering art. If we view the world as merely shapes, shadows and hues, we can draw anything. If we truly look at the world, and then put that on paper or canvas, this opens our creative right side to the possibilities around us. 

Some studies of stutterers suggest that speaking comes from the left brain, but singing emanates from the right hemisphere. Often one person's speaking trouble goes away with learning to speak in a sing song way. I suspect that doing so makes new brain connections. This makes the speaking more stable. 

As I have expressed with my "mental house" self awareness, I became conscious of very strong different parts of my brain. I realized I am both creative (right brain) and logical (left brain). I feel they equalize to roughly the same amount of influence over my life. 

Though I'm not sure if it's nature or intention, my left brain has control most of the time. I'm very creative, musical and emotional, but I do try and push those things to an "appropriate" time. This control sometimes gets out of hand. 

Left brain views his way as the "better, safer" way to be. Yes, I think of my brain as male. I love my female self and have no interest in being any other gender. My brain simply seems "male" to me. Lefty being in control works well until he becomes a tyrant. Righty sometimes has to throw a tantrum in order to remind Lefty to let him have his turn. 

My right side is all about fun, play, creativity and emotional expression. Lefty believes that I cannot sing all that well. He seems to keep track of the rejection in my life. Righty thinks that singing's purpose isn't based on the quality of the song, but on the quality of the expression. 

Both sides add amazing value to make all of me shine. Lefty keeps calm in a crisis, makes sure the bills are paid, loves doing math and understanding chemistry. Righty has a connection to everyone and everything. My right side comes up with the ideas and the left puts them in practice. 

After Righty throws his fit, Lefty gets a clue and grudgingly gives up his hand on my life rudder. Righty doesn't want to be in control ALL the time. He readily gives it back when he has had his fun. 

As I integrate these two friends, the emotional upheavals reduce. They're both beloved aspects. They reside in my mental house too. 

What kinds of connections do you make between your different selves? 

Kind and informative comments welcome!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Spin Me Round

I let a discussion derail my writing. Or maybe I needed a blog break. I suppose I should have alerted those who read this to that, but I didn't.

I value myself and my ideals. I value my vision of the universe. I can accept, after a time, that other people may have a different perspective, but it does take me time. To me, pieces fit "my way." And it's confusing if someone sees a different puzzle.

Take for instance that I am an atheist. I don't view the universe as controlled by a consciousness. Though there are "forces" at work that are partly beyond my ken. Not beyond anyone's knowing, just things I cannot figure out.

I don't have to understand everything. My heart beats, sends blood around my body, without my conscious awareness. I'm okay to "not" study everything. I'm okay to have a passing awareness of these universal forces that guide stars and atoms around.

I like to share my perspective, part because I think diversity of thought is interesting and part because I think I'm "right." I don't want to live in a world filled with me, but I would like to live in a world filled with sorta kinda meness.

I want and value different points of view. Or do I? I don't want to talk to the Mormons or the Jehovah Witnesses that cross my porch. I have not compared different kinds of faith and rejected them all. I have listened to a smattering of interpretations and come to the conclusion this isn't for me.

I value rules and social constructs designed to benefit humankind. Fellowship holds a high place in my heart. Though my fellowship is based on a mutual love of the provable universe.

Some of my friends wish to remove a cross from a memorial in a local park. I don't care if there's a cross there or not. The one argument that intrigues me most comes from someone arguing that if it were a symbol from a non Christian faith many of the very same folks who want to keep the cross would be clamoring for it's removal.

One person's symbol of faith is "good," the other groups iconography is "bad." I still remained disinterested in removing a long established monument, but that argument holds more weight in my mind.

Okay, so I am gonna try and write more and not let things throw me off my high horse. Don't like what I have to say? Make your case. Kind reasoned and spam free comments get posted.