Hold On

Barbara Sher says we're all a genius at being ourselves. And that we are talented at what we love. Just recently, I've come to listen to a bunch of Malcolm Gladwell speeches and he says the same thing. He studied a bunch of people with dyslexia and other so called disadvantages and found some people turn these deficits into strengths.

There's something profound going on with all this. That thing that spirals one person into despair can provide a springboard to personal greatness. 

I pay attention to ideas like Adverse Childhood Experience tests and intelligence assessments and try to figure out what that thing is between me and someone else. Why have I managed to build an amazing awesome sense of love within my heart? Why can I pick a loving husband when I came from a family that actively pushed me aside? 

One article on adverse childhood experience suggested that resilience experiences might help an adult child sort through their pain in a different way. I can certainly say that having an absent, yet deeply loving father helped me a lot. Also that the primary abusers, though parental in nature, weren't biologically related to me. 

What if all it takes is a willingness to accept the reality of experience and then a desire to challenge the perception? What if it's all about holding on through the rough patches? 

As a survivor of abuse, some of us develop post traumatic stress. What if, like our personal genius through adversity, PTSD is also a genius strategy? Maybe it's a handrail. A creative, colorful source of stability we cling to in rough seas? 

I know that I consider everything that has ever happened to me a gift. I am who I am not despite what happened, but because of it. The world NEEDS people like me so others don't have to keep living in a darkened pain. I have some light and a handrail. 

We all deserve a sense of belonging. I belong. At the very least to me. 

Paperback Writer

I decided to turn my December 2014 month of wallow in self pity month experience into a book. Here are my EXTREMELY rough chapter outlines. I will change the order most likely, I just wanted to get my "goal" out to the universe.

Be the Light You Want to Follow

What I learned from my month wallowing in self pity

1. Swimming in self pity is like getting a colonoscopy. It's a shitty test but necessary once in a while.

2. This blog and I are both awesome and I have shiny thoughts

3. Dream shitters can fuck off now. Support my crazy ideas on the off chance they're not crazy and you're just afraid.

4. It's OKAY to feel good during a month of wallow and tell funny stories about tragic things or during funerals. You can't force people to "lighten up," but when they do it, you can bask in the glow.

5. I'm sad that my mother is Attila the Mom, but that isn't about me. She has sickness and also did the best she could. I know that. I'm still never going to speak to her or any biological family. I don't see any point. Not from hopelessness, but from awareness. They lack that "be nice" gene. I wish them peace.

6. The goodness or badness or lesson comes from experience only on reflection. Destiny looks only backward.

7. Feeling all the pain heals. It's like picking up the pieces after an explosion. Repressing feelings is like holding a beach ball under water. After a while, we get tired and the ball pops up and bashes us in the face. Better to let it up to float away.

8. Grieving heals.

9. Mistreatment leaves a scar. There is no "magic" in "forgiveness." Forget leads to future mistreatment. However, we can learn to remember with compassion for ourselves and the person who harmed us. US first, though.

10. Reframe failure as the steps to success. No one criticizes a baby falling down when it is learning to walk, so why beat ourselves up for making mistakes? I am an emotional baby taking my first steps into self awareness.

That's it. I'm going to expand on each of these points as chapter heads. I hope to have a completed rough draft by the end of February. I feel that's a very ambitious goal and I think I can do it. I choose happy. 

Kind comments welcome.

The Greatest Love of All

Ego, confidence and self regard require an ability to assess your own qualities. People often confuse ego with boastful. When you can do something well, taking pride in that can seem vain.

Some of us get confused into thinking that denial of our gifts is humble. I think it's quite harmful. How can we expect others to hold us in high regard if we cannot look at ourselves in the same light? I had to learn to just say thank you when I got a compliment.

I sometimes have to practice this with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and just remind me of attributes I like about me. I will say them out loud and add a thank you. I have pretty pale blue eyes, thank you. I can draw, thank you. I love talking to strangers, thank you.

Think of yourself as a different person. Don't go all multiple personality on yourself but just imagine if some stranger was seeing you. What would they say? If you cannot think of anything, think of what other people have said. Even the negative stuff has something. If someone said you were ugly, think about that for a second. Are you? If not, you could say to yourself, "People are jealous of my looks enough to put me down. Thank you." If you think you are ugly, be kind. We all feel that way from time to time.

Look around, the world is filled with perfectly happy people who don't fit in fashion magazines. They're married, they have children and pets and go about their lives. They have qualities that they share with the world.

Show up and be on your own side. Start practicing being complimentary with other people too. Find something, anything, nice to say to strangers. It's so easy and it makes people so happy. It changes how they see you.

Tell the truth in a kind way. Deflect put downs by mild confrontation. "You're doing that wrong!" "Okay, can you show me how to do it right?" If their way is better, use it and thank them. If it's not, thank them for the new perspective and do it your way.

The saying "do unto others as you would wish they do unto you, " can be thrown in reverse. Do unto yourself as you wish others would do unto you. If you want a man to bring you flowers, buy them for yourself. Practice how it feels to get flowers. Write yourself a little thank you note. "Dear me, how THOUGHTFUL! Hugs and kisses."

One major thing that helped me live way better. Choose OKAY! If I can't say anything complimentary toward myself, I can always say "I'm okay, thank you. " There's always "I'm breathing, thank you."

Try a little faking confident. Fake it til you make it, so the saying goes. No reason to truly mislead, but a little pep talk of "yes I can" goes a really long way to build self esteem. The song I used as the title of this has a line, "If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived as I believe." It doesn't promise a success only journey. It says, you might fail, but go ahead anyway.

I believe in you. Whoever you are. I know everyone has gifts and talents to bring to the world. Shine for your own mirror.