Thursday, August 28, 2014


Drama filled my first marriage. Drama ended it too. I brought it in, but he kept it going long after I decided to give up the sound and fury signifying nothing.

I did the best I knew how. He never hit me and never drank. He did betray me and he had little respect for my things. 

My ex slept with my best friend on our anniversary. He might argue that I told him because I did say the words. Though if I'd told him to go away and die, I don't think he would have done that. 

I needed the drama to wake me up from my fantasy. I held myself accountable for every problem. It didn't occur to me that he could be in the wrong,. His had sane parents who stayed together. I thought that gave him the relationship edge. It doesn't work that way.  

Once we were apart, I could see clearly he liked for me to be sad. He felt like a hero comforting me. He learned this from his mother that he could be confidant and comforter. He learned from his dad that anger equals crazy.

He didn't like when I was angry about anything. I don't blame anyone for our troubles. We both did the best we knew how. 

He told stories to my friend implying that I struggled with sanity. It seems a very common theme for cheaters. "My wife has a problem with...."  

Looking from the outside, I realized that I began to grow and change. I had a good therapy gal and attended regular meetings of Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I also had another friend who liked to spend time with me separate from my ex. 

He didn't understand any of that. He wanted to stay the only hero in my life. It confused him when I started to calm down and feel confident. 

The "she's crazy" lies spread to our mutual friends. It hurt some that many believed him. Though I guess in a way it held some truth. Growing up crazy leaves a mark. 

I'm glad for the two great therapy people and the survivors group. Those people let me get the crazy out into the open. They supported me through my separation and divorce and lead me to amazing emotional breakthroughs. 

I wish my ex husband and ex best friend peace and happiness. I know I've found such things for myself. I don't have to live in so much drama anymore. 

Kind comments encouraged.

PS this post has some similar themes to a previous post seen here: Do that to me one more time

Saturday, August 16, 2014

So Happy Together

Not to brag or nothin but I picked a way better second husband. Was just watching a movie with a bunch of different romantic interests and each of the couples had a thing keeping them from coming together.

As these were movies and not real life, eventually all of them worked it out. It was all a kind of "love abides" pile of hokum. Don't get me wrong, I'm a deeply emotional romantic. My problem with this film comes from it's over complicating something that's almost an equation.

I do love math and science, but I don't mean that kind of exercise. Making a romance work requires both parties to have mutual goals and dreams, a willingness to adjust to the other person's "bends" and a lot of being in the here and now.

In my opinion if those things are "work" then you're fundamentally with the wrong match. My marriage requires attention to how we connect and that means understanding. Care and adjustment move things along nice.

Murry and I discuss what we want to do often. Sometimes this involves a list we each draw up and then share and make a joint goal. Though sometimes we just say out loud what we want. I find things become more concrete, more "real" when they're committed to paper.

Once we've got a road map to where and what we want, it's time to sort who will do what parts. This is usually very informal. He drives, I pick the restaurant. He builds the counter from my design.

I guess SOME of our compatibility comes from happenstance, but I know big parts of it comes from intending to have someone who is handy. You get what you ask for from people.

When we fight, and we do occasionally, we both try and stick to the one topic at hand. We also try and keep everything about now. That isn't to say that "then" never comes up. The whole point of this blog is to explore a lot of "then" so I can live a better now. My emotions are mine, his are his.

If the present brings up a past pain, we deal with that in there now. Early on, we had a gripe about feeling let down. I thought he promised we would go out and he thought the plans were more fluid. Now, if I want to go somewhere, I just tell him where and when.

It's not my job to worry over if he doesn't want to do something. If he doesn't want to go where I want to go, when I want to go there, he can make a case for a different activity.

I expect to be treated with dignity and respect. I get that, because I would tolerate nothing less. We give each other space to be individuals AND a couple. Both AND. We are 100 percent whole people choosing to come together.

See? I knew numbers would come into this somewhere.

Kind comments encouraged.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Shop Around

A friend of mine decided to start a feminist dating page because she doesn't want to have to explain and train a man to respect her. I totally get that.

Though I saw violence and every kind of relationship trouble in my mom's marriages, I wanted a calm love life. I wanted a guy who wouldn't think of hitting as a relationship tactic.

I did manage that. No man has even tried to hit me. Though I didn't know about the more subtle relationship abuses. Maybe abuse is too strong a word. Lets save that word for people who do more intentional harm. Lets call it manipulative romance.

My first man friend wanted me to have his baby. He bugged me and told me things like birth control pills were creating forgetfulness as a survival characteristic. Coming from the family I had, I have no idea why I didn't buy into his pressure. Maybe I didn't want a baby stronger than his attempts at manipulation.

When I broke up with him, he threatened to kill himself. Yet another tactic that I saw through. Though I do feel for people who feel great pain and consider suicide, I knew to him it wasn't real.

With every man I dated, I expected to be treated with a a certain level of respect. Maybe the type of man who would date someone like me tended more toward grateful over controlling. That may be a fair possibility. As they said in Revenge of the Nerds, "Jocks think about sports, all nerds think about is sex."

Yes, it's a generalization and therefore slightly inaccurate. I cannot speak to and or advise average people. I mean I can, but my "tribe" consists more of the quirky personality.

You wanna date a man who's a feminist? Look in places that type of man hangs out. For me, that turned out to be science fiction conventions, computer clubs and chatting. Sure, there are aggressive "jock" types in these places. Though I'd argue there are more nerdy quirky grateful for human contact types.

As with any dating pool. one must have clear set of standards and stick to them until one finds the right fit. Some will tell you to never settle. Some items on your standard list need to be must haves and must nots, but some are more flexible.

Anyone I would have dated must have a car and be able to drive. I can't, so that was important to me. I preferred a man who put the toilet seat down. I could deal with being without that characteristic, but I'm glad I got it.

I feel life consists of a combination of luck and skill. I'm lucky I met a great example of the type of man I wanted. I had the skill to know when I found one for myself and to hold on through the figuring that out.

Swim in the pool that most meets your requirements, be selective and patient within that pool and be who you are. Have confidence that people respond to the energy you put forth.

Be open to the personality that fits what you want, but that may not "look" the way you want. I like red hair. I have dated and had fine romances with non red heads. Know the difference between a preference and a must have. Adjust.

I would never tolerate physical and mental abuse. Though I do know that some people have a sexual fetish for physical pain. I wouldn't presume to tell someone their desires are wrong. That's not my thing and I don't want it. Neither do I like avocados.  So? More for you who do like them.

When I first started dating, I had a better handle on what I didn't want than on what I did. I think that's OKAY. How did I know what kind of relationship would enliven my spirit? I had little experience with anything but the violent drunks my mother married.

I say use whatever place you are at as a jump point. Build your standards from there. Make new and interesting mistakes.

I hope my friend looking for a feminist man finds him. I hope that she can help others find the kind of relationship that live up to each individual desires.

As always, kind comments encouraged.

Oh, and if you're a feminist oriented, or even feminist curious male, write to me. I got some people for you to meet.