My Father's Eyes

My daddy Eugene in 2005

Last time I wrote about the Adverse Childhood Experience test and mentioned the companion concept of resilience. Here's the second test to figure out if some factors might have given us some armor against the tsunami of abuse we may have survived.

I wrote before that my daddy loved me. He had his problems and he made mistakes, but he did indeed try his best. I did well in school and I did have teachers who liked me and treated me with dignity and respect. My best friend's mom and dad also provided a safe and calm image of parental figures. I hope you can find lots of times when you had someone helpful from your childhood too.

RESILIENCE Questionnaire

Please number the most accurate answer under each statement:

1. I believe that my mother loved me when I was little.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

2. I believe that my father loved me when I was little.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

3. When I was little, other people helped my mother and father take care of me and they seemed to love me.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

4. I was told that when I was an infant someone in my family enjoyed playing with me, and I enjoyed it, too.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

5. When I was a child, there were relatives in my family who made me feel better if I was sad or worried.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

6. When I was a child, neighbors or my friends’ parents seemed to like me.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

7. When I was a child, teachers, coaches, youth leaders or ministers were there to help me.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

8. Someone in my family cared about how I was doing in school.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

9. My family, neighbors and friends talked often about making our lives better.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

10. We had rules in our house and were expected to keep them.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

11. When I felt really bad, I could almost always find someone I trusted to talk to.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

12. As a youth, people noticed that I was capable and could get things done.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

13. I was independent and a go-getter.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

14. I believed that life is what you make it.

    1. Definitely True
    2. Probably True
    3. Not Sure
    4. Probably Not True
    5. Definitely Not True            Score          

How many of these 14 protective factors did I have as a child and youth? (How many of the 14 were scored 1 “Definitely True” or 2 “Probably True”?) _______

Of this score, how many are still true for me today? _______

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to go through each question and share how they relate to real life sutations to enhance recovery from childhood trauma and toxic stress.

Kind comments welcome along with anonymous scores and how you are feeling about them. Be well and know there's hope.

The Gambler, Score your ACEs

(updated Septemper 5, 2020)

I wrote about the Adverse Childhood Experience test in a post I called "I Got Knocked Down" last year. Then I came upon a really interesting video where pediatrician Dr. Nadine Burke used the ACE test to help kids. See her talk in this Youtube Video. "How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime."

As I go through the ACE questions one at a time, I'll include experiences that really happened and how we all might find bits of recovery. By no means are these the only way to react to trauma. You may have different tools and I'd love to hear about them. Toxic Stress belongs to all of us who survived childhood abuses. I welcome additional resources in the comments.

ACE Questions:

Prior to your 18th birthday:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

10. Did a household member go to prison?
No___ If Yes, enter 1 __

Now add up your “Yes” answers: ____ This is your ACE score

An ACE score of 4 or more can have major consequences on health later in life. Most notably suicidality increases by 12 times. Seven out of the 10 major causes of disease correlate to higher ACE scores.

I dunno about you, but I always feel a bit guilty at the doctor. Like being sick is somehow my fault. Now I realize that those abuse patterns left a unseen scar that continued into my future.

In my next post, I'll show the resilience test and how those factors can help us find help.

Kind comments and any links to additional ACE material below. Feel free to share your own ACE score anonymously. If you like, a bit of context of a piece of memory and any health troubles. We can help each other with information.

I Got Knocked Down - My fearless life

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris TED talk on ACEs for children - Youtube Video

Center for Disease Control and Prevention ACEs resource page - CDC.GOV

Take a Letter, Maria

Whenever I need to work on something seriously I really like to write it in pen on a legal pad. For goals or plans, any color will do. For deeply emotional work, I like to grab a colored one of blue or purple, I even have one that has multiple colors like a rainbow.

I hadn't thought of why the physical act of writing things down seemed to make it more "real" and grounded in the "real world." Lucky for us all, some researchers figured it all out.

French psychologist Stanislas Dehaene told The New York Times, "When we write, a unique neural circuit is automatically activated," he said. "There is a core recognition of the gesture in the written word, a sort of recognition by mental simulation in your brain, it seems that this circuit is contributing in unique ways we didn't realize. Learning is made easier," he concluded.

So we form a connection when we write stuff down. Though the studies refer to college student note taking, I don't think it's a leap to connect it to life engagement. Especially in the realm of personal emotional growth. This is tough stuff, engaging our hands in some activity relieves stress.

Typing just isn't the same thing. We also add to our mental picture the sense of touch and scent of the paer and ink. Creating such subtle neural connections give our brain alternative reference points to whatever we're working on.

I do many exercises to connect me to my emotional self. I write pro/con lists just to see how I feel inside my head. They're often very lopsided because I have figured out that what I really want gets etched in my subconscious. I think I'm confused but I'm really not.

Writing with my non dominant hand has really interesting results too. It shows my child like wonder at many things. Sometimes questions come up and I answer with the dominant hand. Like mother and daughter sharing secrets.

Using drawings, different colored pens, highlighter and even stickers or sticky note flags create even more connections. Consider using different paper textures too.

So grab that pen and lets start making a connection!

Kind comments welcome.

Every Breath You Take

This amazing video talks about the science of our body reacts to stress by flooding us with hormones to take action in a crisis. Some of us who experienced constant trauma tend to over produce these reactions. They go on to talk about how professionals use breathing to control these reactions. People like military and police learn to control their breathing during a stressful incident.

I've mentioned before that one way I get to sleep comes from breathing in on a count of four, holding for two then out on four. I guess I knew it also worked for curbing a panic attack, I just hadn't consciously used breathing for those kinds of things.

I felt "meditation" seemed too close to some kind of faith based activity. I have recently realized that at its core, meditation is simply an exercise in practiced breathing. I'm down with that. Though I think we can do it anywhere, anytime in any position.

So take a breath and clear your mind. Train yourself during moments of calm so that when things are decidedly NOT calm you can remember what it was like.

Evolution trained our bodies to fight or flee danger. It will take time to learn how to redirect these impulses into new self preservation strategies. We must continue to value ourselves during these learning times.

Some of us may have to use medication along with breathing to reverse years of trained reaction. Do whatever makes sense to you and your medical professional. I prefer to explore calming and thinking strategies before going for drug intervention. Keep in mind that only YOU can decide what is best. Please carefully research medication as there are side effects that may detract from their effectiveness.

Just after some breathing, consider making a list of things that create stress strong enough to trigger a panic attack. Write down as many as you can think of and then assign a value to the amount of anxiety each event causes.

For me, going to the doctor is a recent stressor. They do need to do exams to make sure my blood pressure is stable and I don't have a recurrence of cancer. I notice that if I exercise before going to the doctor's office, my pressure is lower and I feel less anxious. So I try and make that part of my plan.

Go over your own list and figure what personal actions will help you through the stress. Some places and even people might need to be avoided for a time. Just until you figure out how to handle them without triggering a panic attack.

Keep calm and remember to breathe. Kind comments welcome

We Shall Overcome

I survived an awful childhood. In a way, I wear it like a badge of honor. As a brave soldier receives a purple heart, so to I proudly display the purple butterfly medal of distinction. The careful observer notes that a butterfly has a middle that shows it's caterpillar roots. So do I. With my tears and pointless rage I show the tiny little girl who defied the fists, insanity and neglect.

I Macgyvered an adulthood with bits of information and guessing. As others supported my efforts, now I do the same for people who read this blog.

Have I mentioned lately that I use song titles for blog titles? Sometimes it's a pain in the rear to come up with something. A couple of times I've repeated titles and only noticed later. Ah well. Now I go to Youtube and use a few keywords for the topic I'm writing about an almost always find a song title to match.

I've written about things that relate to understanding myself. My feminist ways in You Don't Own Me and Shop Around that talks about finding a loving partner.

I use my life as example on how to survive and thrive while recovering from an abusive childhood. Because self abuse runs rampant among survivors, I gave advice on self care and suicide in posts like: I Got Knocked Down and Suicide Is Painless (It's just a title of the song, I don't think it's painless for the person trying or the people who love them.) In Joy to the World I tried to show how to find happiness even when you're mixed up.

Then in 2013, the year of hell, I started writing about surviving cancer. This so triggered all kinds of feelings of what I deserved and what I survived. What's new PossyCAT tells the story of my facing the CT scan test and Luck Be a Lady Tonight tells of my second surgery. Just as a jump ahead, the surgeon got all my cancer. I do have to checked every year by a dermatologist, but I am okay now.

I'm also writing a book about deciding to take a whole month off and wallow in self pity. I outline the book and chapters in a post I called Paperback Writer. I've written two chapters and most of the way through a third. I love writing and not to brag or nothin, I am actually good at it. Every once in a while I will want to share something with a friend on Facebook and I'll go find a blog post and read it to make sure it's on topic. I forget some of what I've said and I start thinking, "Wow, I really like what this person has to say." Then I realize, that's me. It feels really good and REALLY silly at the same time.

So that's me. This blog is me. Afraid? Sometimes. Awesome too. Kind comments welcome.

Superheros

Superheros is one of my favorite songs from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I can't say I'm really a fan of the film itself, but the songs are really interesting. I used this one because it fits the theme I want to talk about.

It's been a recent realization that everything I've thought of as "bad" emotion or a personal flaw in thinking, might actually be a super hero power that I lack instructions on how to use properly.

The idea of a caped crusader not knowing how to use their powers isn't new. And every one of the Guardians of the Galaxy has their own kryptonite and personal failings. None of us are alone in that.

They even produced an entire TV series featuring Ralph, a teacher, who receives a super hero suit complete with cape. Leaving the alien encounter with the box with the suit inside, the instruction book falls to the ground. Ralph then has to figure out the suit all on his own. I especially like one scene where a boy sees him trying to fly and tells him he's not doing it right. "Ya gotta take three steps and put your arms out." It works and Ralph becomes the Greatest American Hero.

We wont be as lucky as Ralph to find an observant kid to guide us. Often the lessons take painful experiences repeated over sometimes generations.

Though I wish it had been a better relationship lesson for her own sake, I did learn from my mother how to use my romantic relationship super power. It comes in a variety of flavors, but goes something like this: Don't marry drunks, don't let anyone beat on you and don't look in places where people do the things you don't like. Mom taught me the lesson by repeating this pattern.

I guess my mother is a great example of a person who never realized her own personal abilities. I'm grateful, I wish she had taught me more so I didn't have to figure a few things on my own. Like I knew to avoid abusive drunks, but it never occurred to me that there were sober assholes out there. That would have been useful information. I'm doubtful she knew that.

So some flaws are fairly easy to see as a power. They even make comic books out of some of them. The Incredible Hulk gets angry and though he ruins his clothes and smashes random things, he usually helps others with his rage.

I feel feelings of my own anger let me know something around me is wrong. Now that wrongness may or may not be solvable, but it's rarely random or arbitrary.

I count my general sense of emotion as one of my super hero powers. That ability to see, emulate and respond to others saved my life. Growing up with erratic caregivers means THEIR emotional state can make my life hellish. I learned to read them enough to avoid them when they were dealing with their own wounds. Such powers are not always effective, but they can be embraced for what they can do.

Take your biggest flaw, the thing that you are afraid people will find out about you. The one that when someone points it out you apologize for. Could it be an untapped ability?

Is there a chance that it exists for a reason and you just haven't figured it out as yet? Think on it, get back to me. I'm going to get a copy of the Greatest American Hero series and have a look at how Ralph sorted his awesomeness.

Anticipation

I've shared this thought before, but it came back into my mind recently. What if you live in an apartment on the ground floor and a new person moved in above you. Their bedroom is just above your's and each night they take off their shoes and throw them on the floor. The previous tenant did the same thing so you got used to it. You'd hear "clunk" and a few seconds later a second "clunk."

This new person, that you haven't met yet as your schedules are different makes only one clunk. You lay there awake each night waiting for the second sound. You toss and turn, shake your fist at the ceiling and begin to bite your nails. Determined to confront the person driving you crazy, you storm up the stairs, pound on their door and demand they start double clunking.

When they get to the door you happen to glance down and notice they have only one foot. DOH. They're NEVER going to double clunk. It's not part of who they are.

We look at other people all the time and make all kinds of assumptions about them, their habits and their value. It is human nature. Some of us have been so profoundly hurt that we go into the world with our emotional shields up and quickly evaluate those around us for at what level they can hurt us. This coping strategy may be useful in some situations and it may also be keeping us from being calm and finding friends.

Stress hormones can make us sick. Being sick can create stress hormones. This vicious cycle perpetuates when we put energy in at regular intervals. We can choose another way.

I start with awareness. It comforts me to have a leave the house ritual. I check for my house key, my paratransit card or money to pay for a new one, I grab my water on exercise days and lunch if I am going to work.

If I am going to make up what is going to happen in my world outside my house, I decided a while ago that my fantasy is going to be a positive experience. The truth is, none of us ever know what may happen. Mostly nothing. Life, for me at least, is a series of routines. There are four paratransit drivers, there are a handful of gals at my gym and there are work duties that tend to be the same or similar.

When there is a break from these routines, it tends to be a reasonable variation. Work recently had a seminar away from the office. I've been to seminars before so I just pictured what they were like in my mind before this one. I chose an open and curious mental state.

Maybe this all sounds oversimplified, some of us need to break it down like that. I suffer social anxiety, post traumatic stress and a tendency to want to avoid interacting with strangers. At the same time, I love new experiences and meeting new people.

I'm teaching myself to adjust to all that newness with an open heart. So what if the guy upstairs has only one foot. Maybe he's a great person and will teach you things you never even considered. At the very least, you will gain a new sleep routine.