Love means security and comfort to me. If that sense of security gets threatened in some manner, love seems to wither and dry out like unkempt plants.
Growing up with an erratic mother and a loving but absent father, I learned to be practical with my heart. I've watched parents put their children's needs ahead of their own and wondered what that was like. I often think, my mother neglecting me didn't seem to benefit herself. So why did she do it? What was the goal?
Looking at it in as detached a manner as I can, I came to the realization that she has an emotional trouble spot on her brain. She probably survived a similar childhood as mine and reacted a bit different from me. As a fellow human being, I can have compassion for her. As her daughter, I try and let go of the resentment I feel over being so neglected.
Almost every day, I work on letting go of the fantasy that my life could have been different. Each of the people who abandoned me to the whims of another erratic guardian, did so for reasons that had little if anything to do with me.
It's no wonder I have some difficulties In psychological experiments with rats, random food delivery drives the poor little rodents crazy. Random houses, random rules and random levels of affection drove me into occasional bouts of madness too.
Thankfully, my rat brain has a human center of reason attached and can work out resolutions to feelings. I choose to be in the now. No one is abandoning, neglecting or moving me from my stable place. I choose okay. When I am fully comfortable with that okayness, I can choose happy, courageous or loving.
I can also choose my family by choosing my friends. Sometimes I keep someone around for too long because angry broken people are familiar, both when I look in the mirror and when I think about the past. As often as I can, I am learning to let that go. Wish them peace and say goodbye with kindness.
So how often to you examine your life for pasts and presents to let go? If you are keeping something that doesn't feel that great, maybe you haven't gotten what you think you need from that experience. What would it be that you need and want? Have you gotten it and just haven't realized it? Have a look and see.
Share something of your experiences and what this post made you think. Kind and gentle comments welcome.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Kung Fu Fighting
During a casual chat, I mentioned that I didn't understand the people on Dr. Phil who screamed at their spouse. Murry and I don't fight like that. I wouldn't like to live with all the screaming, name calling or slapping.
But why not? That's what I saw as a kid. Though what many of the men my mom married beat her. One ruptured her spleen and nearly killed her.
What is it about me that I wouldn't live like that? My causal friend said that it was because I didn't work out of the house or have kids. As if that excuses intimidating your spouse? "It's okay officer, I can slap my wife, we have children together."
That was my first major relationship decision. NO HITTING. Assuming the hitter survived after his first blow, he would be single in seconds.
Over the years I've learned to try and stay on topic of I disagree with anyone. I choose to fight only when I am sure my position will be best for all parties.
I guess that's what switched. I'm dominant, it's my nature. I can choose to not domineer.
Lots of things aggravate me with my spouse. So? Unless it will cause me harm (putting the knives up in the dishwasher or in the sink for example) I let it slide. Even then, I ask for things to be done differently. I ask that mistakes be corrected. It's so much more effective than fighting over trivia.
My mom felt a familiarity to the abuse. So much so that she let it continue. There's a line from a song, "Who taught you to live like that?" Someone, probably her own parents, taught my mother that hitting was okay.
I found better teachers.
If you find yourself fighting with anyone, maybe it's time to examine what role you play in repeating patterns. Change it up. Fight only when the reason for the disagreement TRULY threatens your way of life. Otherwise, let it go, walk away.
If your children refuse to clean up their room, what good does it do for you to be angry about it? Take things away until they comply. Not out of anger, but out of love. Prepare them for a life. Love is free flowing and everyone has to work for things.
It really amazes me how people don't examine the effectiveness of what they do. Is this method working? Can I try something else? Am *I* doing *my* best to make this work?
Agree to disagree over the topics that it doesn't matter on. Let the other person save face. If they still want to fight, keep telling them you care for them, but that you aren't fighting anymore.
How do you live a peaceful life? Kind comments welcome
But why not? That's what I saw as a kid. Though what many of the men my mom married beat her. One ruptured her spleen and nearly killed her.
What is it about me that I wouldn't live like that? My causal friend said that it was because I didn't work out of the house or have kids. As if that excuses intimidating your spouse? "It's okay officer, I can slap my wife, we have children together."
That was my first major relationship decision. NO HITTING. Assuming the hitter survived after his first blow, he would be single in seconds.
Over the years I've learned to try and stay on topic of I disagree with anyone. I choose to fight only when I am sure my position will be best for all parties.
I guess that's what switched. I'm dominant, it's my nature. I can choose to not domineer.
Lots of things aggravate me with my spouse. So? Unless it will cause me harm (putting the knives up in the dishwasher or in the sink for example) I let it slide. Even then, I ask for things to be done differently. I ask that mistakes be corrected. It's so much more effective than fighting over trivia.
My mom felt a familiarity to the abuse. So much so that she let it continue. There's a line from a song, "Who taught you to live like that?" Someone, probably her own parents, taught my mother that hitting was okay.
I found better teachers.
If you find yourself fighting with anyone, maybe it's time to examine what role you play in repeating patterns. Change it up. Fight only when the reason for the disagreement TRULY threatens your way of life. Otherwise, let it go, walk away.
If your children refuse to clean up their room, what good does it do for you to be angry about it? Take things away until they comply. Not out of anger, but out of love. Prepare them for a life. Love is free flowing and everyone has to work for things.
It really amazes me how people don't examine the effectiveness of what they do. Is this method working? Can I try something else? Am *I* doing *my* best to make this work?
Agree to disagree over the topics that it doesn't matter on. Let the other person save face. If they still want to fight, keep telling them you care for them, but that you aren't fighting anymore.
How do you live a peaceful life? Kind comments welcome
Monday, January 27, 2014
Helter Skelter
I had the flu and am still getting over the lingering cough. I think it's minor and I doubt contagious. This meant I couldn't go to my exercise and after about a week, I started feeling deeply depressed. I didn't figure out what was going on until I went back and my mood improved.
In my youth, I felt suicidal. That lasted into my 30's. I know that Iyanla Van Zant had a lot to do with deciding that wasn't working for me. She was on the reality show Starting Over, talking to a lady who kept talking about how much trouble her father's infidelity caused her. Iyanla said what about now? She didn't say "get over it." or "stop dwelling, she asked what about now?
Then she said the most life changing thing to me: choose okay. That's it. CHOOSE OKAY. Make a choice to be okay, for as long as you can and then keep choosing.
So I sometimes forget to make that choice. A week and a half ago, I crawled in a hole and wanted to die. I have never ACTED on my thoughts. I have a weird kind of self pity that whispers in my ear. It says, "you're too much of a fuckup, If you try, you'll only make things worse." I do need a better life affirming strategy. One that doesn't add to my self doubts. Until that happens, I'll keep the one that keeps me alive.
After I started feeling better from the flu and went back to exercising, I crawled out of the emotional hole. I think I need physical activity now. Not just for health reasons, but to keep my emotions even.
I've always been a moody person. I didn't realize how much exercise did for me. I get to chat with some people too. They're kind. That's a big thing for me. I want kindness.
Even though the emotional me hid for a few days, I found the path back. There will be dips again. I am learning to ask for help sooner. Maybe I'll get a flu shot next year. I'm gonna be "officially" old next month.
What about you? How do you find your way out?
Choose okay when you can.
In my youth, I felt suicidal. That lasted into my 30's. I know that Iyanla Van Zant had a lot to do with deciding that wasn't working for me. She was on the reality show Starting Over, talking to a lady who kept talking about how much trouble her father's infidelity caused her. Iyanla said what about now? She didn't say "get over it." or "stop dwelling, she asked what about now?
Then she said the most life changing thing to me: choose okay. That's it. CHOOSE OKAY. Make a choice to be okay, for as long as you can and then keep choosing.
So I sometimes forget to make that choice. A week and a half ago, I crawled in a hole and wanted to die. I have never ACTED on my thoughts. I have a weird kind of self pity that whispers in my ear. It says, "you're too much of a fuckup, If you try, you'll only make things worse." I do need a better life affirming strategy. One that doesn't add to my self doubts. Until that happens, I'll keep the one that keeps me alive.
After I started feeling better from the flu and went back to exercising, I crawled out of the emotional hole. I think I need physical activity now. Not just for health reasons, but to keep my emotions even.
I've always been a moody person. I didn't realize how much exercise did for me. I get to chat with some people too. They're kind. That's a big thing for me. I want kindness.
Even though the emotional me hid for a few days, I found the path back. There will be dips again. I am learning to ask for help sooner. Maybe I'll get a flu shot next year. I'm gonna be "officially" old next month.
What about you? How do you find your way out?
Choose okay when you can.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Hell on Wheels
Goodbye 2013!
I hope to write something else before the last day of the year, but I wanted to start early wishing this one a big ole aideeooose.
Martha Beck outlines a simple strategy for knowing if you're on the right life track. She suggests looking at what you are doing and how it makes you feel. She says if it feels like you're shackled, limited in mobility and feeling "stuck," that's not what you should do. If you feel happier, freer and more hopeful, you should do more of that.
She calls it "shackles on" versus "shackles off."
Starting 2012, I felt deeply shackled to our store. It leaked money like a sieve, We had way too much overhead and I lived with too much stress. Our relationships with some employees broke down and I wanted Murry to start stepping up.
When 2013 came around those stresses and feelings only got worse. I suggested the employees start looking for work. I told them I would accommodate if they got something else. Finally, at the end of March, I couldn't take it anymore.
One of my workers was so angry with me she told me that ended our friendship. I told her I understood. She's since talked to me and while we're not "best" friends, at least she understands I didn't do it on purpose.
Well, okay, maybe I did. I felt overwhelmed and decided to stop that feeling. I do like that about me. I wont stay FOREVER in a bad place. I will stay maybe longer than I should, but that's just hope.
I've already said this today, but it bears repeating. I will always be the person who digs through horseshit looking for the pony. It's just my being. Again, not forever, but long enough to see what I can find.
After we sold off a lot of inventory and paid employees and as many creditors as we could, we locked up and left. I told the landlord what was happening. He said he understood. I felt terrible. He lost the building.
Since I'm disabled and I was feeling terribly useless, I applied for disability. I got it and got on the health plan. Good thing too. Two months later, I found a lump growing on my leg.
I've outlined that on this blog so I'll just tap the highlights. I got melanoma cancer. I found out that people with albinism, like me, have the cells to produce pigment, but they don't work. These melanocites are what give you melanoma.
Lucky for me, it didn't spread. I spent two more months being poked and prodded and had surgery to make sure. I still gotta be checked to make sure no new lumps come up. As Pooh would say, "Oh, bother!"
On the same day, my hubby came home and tells me the big box store he works is closing its doors. So he went looking for another job at a little box store. They hired him as holiday help and he worked there long enough to get his employee discount card.
Then yesterday, they told him Tuesday is his last day.
My life is pretty simple and I don't want for much. I can handle it, he can find another job of some kind. It will be alright.
Strangely, though I should feel shackles on about him losing the job, I don't. I think it will be okay. Butt.....
Grab a shovel, help me find that damned pony.
I hope to write something else before the last day of the year, but I wanted to start early wishing this one a big ole aideeooose.
Martha Beck outlines a simple strategy for knowing if you're on the right life track. She suggests looking at what you are doing and how it makes you feel. She says if it feels like you're shackled, limited in mobility and feeling "stuck," that's not what you should do. If you feel happier, freer and more hopeful, you should do more of that.
She calls it "shackles on" versus "shackles off."
Starting 2012, I felt deeply shackled to our store. It leaked money like a sieve, We had way too much overhead and I lived with too much stress. Our relationships with some employees broke down and I wanted Murry to start stepping up.
When 2013 came around those stresses and feelings only got worse. I suggested the employees start looking for work. I told them I would accommodate if they got something else. Finally, at the end of March, I couldn't take it anymore.
One of my workers was so angry with me she told me that ended our friendship. I told her I understood. She's since talked to me and while we're not "best" friends, at least she understands I didn't do it on purpose.
Well, okay, maybe I did. I felt overwhelmed and decided to stop that feeling. I do like that about me. I wont stay FOREVER in a bad place. I will stay maybe longer than I should, but that's just hope.
I've already said this today, but it bears repeating. I will always be the person who digs through horseshit looking for the pony. It's just my being. Again, not forever, but long enough to see what I can find.
After we sold off a lot of inventory and paid employees and as many creditors as we could, we locked up and left. I told the landlord what was happening. He said he understood. I felt terrible. He lost the building.
Since I'm disabled and I was feeling terribly useless, I applied for disability. I got it and got on the health plan. Good thing too. Two months later, I found a lump growing on my leg.
I've outlined that on this blog so I'll just tap the highlights. I got melanoma cancer. I found out that people with albinism, like me, have the cells to produce pigment, but they don't work. These melanocites are what give you melanoma.
Lucky for me, it didn't spread. I spent two more months being poked and prodded and had surgery to make sure. I still gotta be checked to make sure no new lumps come up. As Pooh would say, "Oh, bother!"
On the same day, my hubby came home and tells me the big box store he works is closing its doors. So he went looking for another job at a little box store. They hired him as holiday help and he worked there long enough to get his employee discount card.
Then yesterday, they told him Tuesday is his last day.
My life is pretty simple and I don't want for much. I can handle it, he can find another job of some kind. It will be alright.
Strangely, though I should feel shackles on about him losing the job, I don't. I think it will be okay. Butt.....
Grab a shovel, help me find that damned pony.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Stop! In the Name of Love
My greatest asset comes from scouring my memory for connections to sticky spots. Maybe I haven't had that exact problem, but maybe I had something similar. Maybe all I have is a different view.
Biology built pain as a warming. Since we evolved a contemplative mind, we started using emotional pain as warning too. Like a stop sign, pain guides us to avoid certain interactions.
Sometime past experiences come up in our brain and distract us. The pain of these experiences can cause us to veer off the road and send us into a ditch.
I believe that their purpose often gets neglected. I neglect the guidance often. Then I remember that all interactions, even so called "negative" information can keep us on a safe wondrous path.
Use the directions nature gives you. Have pain? Stop, look both ways, when clear, proceed at a careful pace.
Even the most cautious driver makes mistakes. Have a strategy for getting out of the ditch. For me, the most common "ditches' come in the form of what John Bradshaw calls "shame spirals."
Bradshaw says that when we feel we are not worthy and something happens, like we miss an important deadline, we can pile on every misstep and attribute it to our lack of worth. Instead of doing that, have a back up plan.
Many people now carry cell phones at the very least for "emergencies." Find yourself in an emotional ditch? Phone a friend. Text if you must but try a real live human interaction as soon as possible. Make sure the friend doesn't have anything to do with the problem. That way they are less likely to get caught up and wind up in the ditch with you.
Maybe you'll need a mental tow truck? If you had a tough life like mine, therapy REALLY helps. Make sure that you find a reputable one. A good therapy person will help you get calm in order to help you. Though therapy does bring up pain that seems to hurt MORE sometimes, they should never EVER cause it.
Those days when we need more time to sort through our emotional car wreck, put some flares in our tool kit. Phrases that you practice while you're running smooth that you can pull out to alert friends and family that you need help.
I like to ask for understanding without judgement. My most common confidant is Murry so I say that I need to talk and the only responses he can give are "I understand" or "I don't understand. Please explain."
Another flare that isn't mine but Murry's "Too many inputs." It means he can't handle any more information and he needs some time to process what is going on inside his head.
Sometimes our emotional vehicle needs fuel. This can be a literal sense of we need to eat or a figurative sense in we need joyful experiences. When I am upset or in pain, I can both put off eating or eat lots. I try and remind myself that all basic needs serve to keep me in good running order. I check my fuel gauge and fill up on something I really like that is also good for me.
I will look at flowers, cuddle a kitty or puppy, think about pleasant things like the memory of seeing a yellow butterfly land on a purple gladiola. We all have those fond tidbits in our past. Use them to fuel up our psyche.
What emotions would you equate to what road signs? What tools do you keep in your mental trunk to help you out of a problem?
Kind comments welcome.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Faith
Though I haven't spent extensive time studying all tenants of major faiths, my casual examination leads me to atheism. I would adjust my thinking should a reliable source confirm a god like higher power.
I do see many things greater than myself. Things like group think, the ocean and nature in general leave me in awe of their great power. I find social connection to be amazing and it's my belief that biological connection may be behind intriguing studies on the power of prayer.
I'd like to single out the Christian faith for a few events that pushed me more toward atheism. Mainly because I have more contact with Christians.
I grew up loosely associated with the Mormon faith. My youth made it all seem so silly when it wasn't down right crazy. It didn't help that the crazy Mormon lady I lived with disobeyed the faith by drinking Coca Cola. She taught me that even though she demanded rigorous adherence to her ridiculous standards, she couldn't live up to her own set of values.
Later in high school, my friends talked some about their faith and I felt a little left out. Like there was something powerful in their connection to a power greater than themselves. I wondered what I was missing. I am afraid of "the faithful" because of the abuse I suffered.
I do respect other people who choose an organized faith path. So long as they let me alone to believe as I choose.
Still later, at holiday time, I often felt hypocritical because I didn't believe in the faith aspect. I heard another atheist speak of it being a social time of connection and gift giving. I felt a lot better after that. Though I do see some of the rushing around and worry a bit too much stress. I try and stay out of that.
While at the home of some relatives of my friend, I heard a Born Again Christian tell his children that there were dinosaurs on Noah's ark. It saddened me to see someone hold so tightly to their mythos that they fail to realize the power of their story.
This same father refused to take yoga for fear of being corrupted by the Indian mythos. I started to wonder why the power of "Jesus" didn't prevent this from happening? I've heard from other sources that "God" gives believers free will. Okay, I like free will, but what is their faith FOR if it doesn't give them the power to exercise without falling prey to a new faith?
My illusions of faith finally completely broke down after an online conversation with a devout Christian young lady. She desperately wanted to be in a relationship, but said she couldn't go out with men. She was so afraid the man would excite her into a sexual frenzy. Since that would be against "his plan," she refused to date anyone.
This floored me. Again, her belief didn't seem to comfort or guide her. It just kept her stuck. Clearly these people are not typical of all people's of faith. I know plenty of Christians who take and even teach yoga and plenty of deeply faithful young women who date without hopping into bed with the first person who smiles their direction. However, what they showed me was the lack of power in their "Jesus."
I started to feel the power of my own brain. If I don't want to sleep with a man, I wont. I don't happen to have any faith guiding me against it, so I view it as a choice. I can do what I think is in my physical mental and emotional best interests.
I do understand that some may take offense at my commentary. Please understand that my conclusions are for me. If you find power and comfort in your faith, I have no interest in influencing your choice.
Kind and thoughtful comments welcome.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Suicide is Painless
No worries, it's just a title used to illustrate a point. I am not at the moment and rarely have feelings of suicide anymore.
A friend of mine lamented online about her job and I asked her what kind she wanted? Her reply that she wanted to shoot herself in the head. I never encourage anyone to hurt themselves, but I never belittle that feeling. I told her that we should save that for a last resort.
Some of us have very real pain and confusion about our feelings. Sometimes we get low that we think there's an option of ending it all. Mostly we want to just stop all the feelings of ouch. Mental or emotional ouch frustrate people looking at us from the outside AND when we look at ourselves.
It takes a lot of effort to figure out what the actual real feelings are, then sometimes those emotions change, hide or turn out to be related to something else. If someone grew up without examples of healthy feeling models, it's so much harder to know how to act.
I STILL cry when I'm angry and get angry over some trivial thing when what I really am is depressed. I had to learn how to be from TV to some extent. I loved the Brady Bunch because the parents got along, they talked about problems and worked toward a solution. The kids got into trouble and got punished in a way that didn't involve crazy acts of senseless violence.
People tell me, but no family is like that. Here's the thing, it's a better model than what I saw. Even as a child, I knew it wasn't "real," but it was still "real enough."
So to people who feel so much pain that they contemplate suicide, I ask that you consider that as the absolute last option. I would remind you that it is a very permanent solution to a probably temporary pain. Maybe spend a few years searching for alternatives that have a potential for alleviating your pain.
Here are some of mine.
Breathing. I breath in on a count of 4 hold for 2, out on a count of 4. It reduces pain and stress and clears my mind. It's way easier to find an alternative with a clear head.
Go for a walk and look at something natural. Sometimes just seeing the sun, a patch of blue sky, a leaf, smelling the smells of "outside," can ease up on the stress. Even cities have patches of nature. Life abides. It clings to the sides of buildings or cracks in the sidewalk. That's life affirming.
I count what I have. As I sit here, I have my fingers, toes, a mind, hearing, a sense of taste, enough eyesight to do what I need and the rest of my body functions well enough. I have a roof over my head and am managing to pay for food, transportation and utilities. I have friends I can call, chat and text. I had enough therapy that helped me gain skills to sort through my low points.
I choose OKAY. I remind myself that things that happened in the past are NOT happening right now. Even if they come into my mind, that was then and now I am safe. I have way more choices and I'm not six or seven years old. No one has power over me and if they try and hurt me, I can call the police and ask for help.
I understand how someone can feel so much pain as to seriously contemplate suicide. I always think, "wow you must be in a lot of pain," whenever I heard someone say that. That's what I want from people I love. Just to hear me. You cannot take away someone elses pain and denying that is the way they feel can often just push their pain deeper.
I prefer to hear, I understand you are feeling a lot of pain, what can I do to help? You don't even have to do "big helps. " just the act of the offer is often enough to help me. I cannot say what will help another, but I think others will respond to kindness too.
One big thing is to let us feel, but you don't have to feel the same thing or anything at all. Our emotions can be overwhelming, but it doesn't help us or you if you get overwhelmed too. Stay as neutral as you can and if you can't handle our pain, be kind and tell us that you can't. Ask us to see if we can find someone else to talk to.
Even my dearest friends can't handle some of my hardest days. I don't currently have a therapy person, but they're an excellent third party. A well trained person can keep themselves from being washed overboard. Though telling someone to "seek professional help" can be quite shaming. Just tread light and act with kindness.
NEVER EVER suggest anyone act on suicidal thoughts. Saying you understand they are in pain does not support suicide. If you have acted with kindness and the person still speaks of suicide, YOU pick up the phone and call a professional.
Here's a link to numbers to call:
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
Everyone
1-800-784-2433 (National Hopeline
1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Prevention)
1-800-799-4889 (Hearing Impaired)
A friend of mine lamented online about her job and I asked her what kind she wanted? Her reply that she wanted to shoot herself in the head. I never encourage anyone to hurt themselves, but I never belittle that feeling. I told her that we should save that for a last resort.
Some of us have very real pain and confusion about our feelings. Sometimes we get low that we think there's an option of ending it all. Mostly we want to just stop all the feelings of ouch. Mental or emotional ouch frustrate people looking at us from the outside AND when we look at ourselves.
It takes a lot of effort to figure out what the actual real feelings are, then sometimes those emotions change, hide or turn out to be related to something else. If someone grew up without examples of healthy feeling models, it's so much harder to know how to act.
I STILL cry when I'm angry and get angry over some trivial thing when what I really am is depressed. I had to learn how to be from TV to some extent. I loved the Brady Bunch because the parents got along, they talked about problems and worked toward a solution. The kids got into trouble and got punished in a way that didn't involve crazy acts of senseless violence.
People tell me, but no family is like that. Here's the thing, it's a better model than what I saw. Even as a child, I knew it wasn't "real," but it was still "real enough."
So to people who feel so much pain that they contemplate suicide, I ask that you consider that as the absolute last option. I would remind you that it is a very permanent solution to a probably temporary pain. Maybe spend a few years searching for alternatives that have a potential for alleviating your pain.
Here are some of mine.
Breathing. I breath in on a count of 4 hold for 2, out on a count of 4. It reduces pain and stress and clears my mind. It's way easier to find an alternative with a clear head.
Go for a walk and look at something natural. Sometimes just seeing the sun, a patch of blue sky, a leaf, smelling the smells of "outside," can ease up on the stress. Even cities have patches of nature. Life abides. It clings to the sides of buildings or cracks in the sidewalk. That's life affirming.
I count what I have. As I sit here, I have my fingers, toes, a mind, hearing, a sense of taste, enough eyesight to do what I need and the rest of my body functions well enough. I have a roof over my head and am managing to pay for food, transportation and utilities. I have friends I can call, chat and text. I had enough therapy that helped me gain skills to sort through my low points.
I choose OKAY. I remind myself that things that happened in the past are NOT happening right now. Even if they come into my mind, that was then and now I am safe. I have way more choices and I'm not six or seven years old. No one has power over me and if they try and hurt me, I can call the police and ask for help.
I understand how someone can feel so much pain as to seriously contemplate suicide. I always think, "wow you must be in a lot of pain," whenever I heard someone say that. That's what I want from people I love. Just to hear me. You cannot take away someone elses pain and denying that is the way they feel can often just push their pain deeper.
I prefer to hear, I understand you are feeling a lot of pain, what can I do to help? You don't even have to do "big helps. " just the act of the offer is often enough to help me. I cannot say what will help another, but I think others will respond to kindness too.
One big thing is to let us feel, but you don't have to feel the same thing or anything at all. Our emotions can be overwhelming, but it doesn't help us or you if you get overwhelmed too. Stay as neutral as you can and if you can't handle our pain, be kind and tell us that you can't. Ask us to see if we can find someone else to talk to.
Even my dearest friends can't handle some of my hardest days. I don't currently have a therapy person, but they're an excellent third party. A well trained person can keep themselves from being washed overboard. Though telling someone to "seek professional help" can be quite shaming. Just tread light and act with kindness.
NEVER EVER suggest anyone act on suicidal thoughts. Saying you understand they are in pain does not support suicide. If you have acted with kindness and the person still speaks of suicide, YOU pick up the phone and call a professional.
Here's a link to numbers to call:
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
I have not called any of these personally so you will have to investigate their usefulness on your own.
1-800-784-2433 (National Hopeline
1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Prevention)
1-800-799-4889 (Hearing Impaired)
Teens:
1-800-448-3000 (Boys Town)
1-800-999-9999 (Covenant house)
1-800-448-3000 (Boys Town)
1-800-999-9999 (Covenant house)
Share with all your friends, please.
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