Sunday, June 21, 2015

Too Much Time on My Hands

Is it any wonder I'm not insane. Yeah. Been super emotional since I started working at the caregiving place. I think it stresses me to have intimate contact with people I never meet.

Being emotional is one of my most powerful super hero skills. My villainous insides counter balance this with self critical thoughts. Well, THAT'S fucking annoying.

Murry told me he doesn't understand guilt. He means the guilt some of us feel over crying at a sad movie or not being able to handle stress. He seems to think those things are mere characteristics and unworthy of feeling anything about.

Part of me understands him. It's all in the serenity concept. I long to be at ease; accepting and serene. Happenstance had other plans for me.

Nature stuck me with sensitivities to sunlight and emotions. It also gave me a sense of compassion and joy. I also have diverse interests that help me draw conclusions from seemingly different concepts.

I'm a feeler all the way. Guilt isn't a price I have to pay to be me. It's a gift. Sure, I haven't figured out how to use it to my advantage, but it does have some value that I will eventually discover. I can't "not" feel it.

So I guess I'll figure out a way to embrace it. I know I've expressed the thought before. The book, that's it. I haven't been working on the book. I haven't had a good wallow in self pity since December. I'll get on that as soon as I finish this.

Hey, don't deny stuff. It just sneaks up and bites you on the ass. Notice it and give it its space. Give as much as it needs for as long as it needs.

I'm convinced this is a universal truth. Somehow we're meant to explore our hearts like this. Think of it as a major undertaking. Go all the way to the edge and peer over. Leap if that urge comes stronger than the fear.

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