Somewhere

Intrusive thoughts keep me awake. Sometimes they have a passing woosh, like a stinky wind. Other times, they come and sit on my chest, making it hard to breath.

Some of them come from an action I've taken. Like, that one time I dumped soda all over a friend of a friend or lost my shit and screamed at my ex's best friend. Accident or overreaction, still I feel as though I "ruined everything."

My family lacked the skill to teach me how to make mistakes or resolve disputes. Now as an old person I struggle with these occasional gaps in who I am. I find more grace as I put things in perspective.

Letting go of the fantasy that the past could have been different comes with some struggle of itself. I've read that children blame themselves for problems in a family as a way to try and control the situation. If you are at fault, you can change yourself and help fix things.

Embracing serenity of sorting what I can control and what is outside my abilities helped guide me to a better place. When I dig deep for the courage, wisdom and acceptance, things go much smoother.

I also realized that thought energy rarely goes away. My best efforts to silence a nagging voice may keep it at bay for a time, but eventually it breaks through and starts screaming.

I found another way to handle feelings or memories that gives them a place of honor. I can move most of the energy outside my head and into an event journal. I've also had good success with drawings that depict my inner workings.

Rather than continue to remember an incident (recent or long ago) I can put it down in a thought ledger. If the event comes into my mind, I can gently remind it that it has a place to live.

Always be kind to your thinking. It IS trying to work things out and trying to help you. Remember that it was taught by the same people who created the gaps that make you struggle with life.

Like a little kid learning to use a tool, it'll make plenty of mistakes in the process. Keep the serenity mantra foremost in your mind. Accept what you cannot control, dig for the courage to control what you can, and search for tools enact the wisdom to know the difference.

Kind comments encouraged.